Mothering Without a Mother

It's been 12 years since my mum passed.

Losing a parent at the age of 20 is devastating - it is at any age.

Time, though, is a healer.

As much as you think you never will, and as frozen as you feel in time, you do move on.

You do recover.

You do learn to live life again.

It almost feels wrong to say that.

You integrate it. Learn to talk about it. Make some sense of it.

These days, what makes my heart ache and my lower lip shake is watching other women getting to be grandmothers.

Seeing my (amazing) mother-in-law with her grandson.

The happy feeling that he has her and she has him.

But the juxtaposed knowing that my mother will never have that.

And the quiet envy that you can't quite shake.